Saturday, 28 October 2017

My face

I don't like photos of me. I never have. It's a kind of recent but not (I think I've mentioned it here a few times) and ongoing thing that I want to like photos of me so every now and then I remember to try and take a photo and not hate it. Whenever I take selfies I think "this time I will just post it to my insta stories or my twitter like everyone else does and I won't worry about it". Then I can't bring myself to post the picture because I think I look weird or dead in the eyes or like I'm trying too hard or just generally "but why would anyone want to see a photo of me, I don't look cool or interesting or have anything to say to go along with it I'm not even doing anything interesting to take a photo of my hair doesn't look good my clothes aren't new I'm not anywhere different why am I taking this photo".


I like seeing photos of other people. I want to have photos of me. I don't need for other people to want to see photos of me but I think a "good" photo of yourself isn't even a real thing, standards of beauty and how we present ourselves are fucked up and I want nothing to do with it and maybe that's enough of a reason to post a photo that doesn't look "good".
And yet.
I look at a photo of myself and rather than being like, "yes, that's my face" I think about how it doesn't look "right" and that's stupid and doesn't even mean anything and I don't want to think that anymore.
So, here I am, trying to not hate my face. I might not be succeeding yet but surely if I take enough photos that can change. Maybe I'll even start posting them to my insta stories without worrying what people might think about it.

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